March 24

So, today was a pretty normal day. I was almost going to skip it in terms of writing, but dinner flipped the day around. Okaasan made lasagna, half without cheese just for me. I was really touched and impressed, seeing as lasagna seems to be about 50% cheese.

We watched the news during dinner since Japan has been playing in the world baseball series; yesterday against America and today against Korea. Japan won both, and it looked like fun to be in the crowds cheering on Ichiro and the other famous players. Maybe I’ll get a chance to go to a smaller game while I’m here, but somehow, I don’t think it will be exciting compared to the world series.

After dinner, I was going to do the dishes as usual, but the sink was clogged, and I wasn’t sure what to do since I didn’t think there was a garbage disposal, so I asked okaasan, and she (showing it to be a really simple task) pushed everything down the drain, and then pulled out the bucket full of food below. She called me a princess and I felt like crap, seeing as in English, the term is pretty much synonymous with stuck-up yuppie girl. I told her I wasn’t sure what to do since we had a garbage disposal at my house, and she told me that they are (or maybe the bucket was) too convenient and that Japanese households were poor and you had to use your head (perhaps, or perhaps not with the undertone of ‘instead of your money’). I felt hurt and a bit angry, but I made sure not to show it. When I was done with the dishes, I went upstairs to do homework, and then back downstairs to try to apply for housing for the fall. Of course, that didn’t work either, due to what may be technical errors. It took a long time to get nowhere with the process, and afterward I went to take a shower.

Of course, in the shower, I had my breakdown. When you think about it, the shower is a good place to do so, since the water is pretty loud and you really can legitimately say “I’m not crying, it’s just raining... on my face.” (For those of you who can appreciate the reference). Getting back to the matter, I was feeling pretty bad about pretty much everything; I was wondering what possessed me to think I could be a good daughter to someone other than my own parents, thinking that my host mother didn’t like me and that the things I did to try to help were only making her more uncomfortable so I didn’t know how to please her, I was wondering which of my host parents really wanted me to be their host student (since my classmates have been talking about having one person in their host families who obviously wanted to host them, and the other members of the family only tagging along), I was frustrated that my Japanese doesn’t seem to be improving and I can’t understand the language, I thought it would be better if I had spent the semester in the states so I could keep my dorm room and my mind sharp at science and math, I wanted my family and friends and my school as well as a hug, I didn’t want to be here with my luke-warm friends who seem so obsessed with dirty jokes and drinking constantly, I wanted out of the beurocracy, not to have to try to pay my health insurance without understanding the clerk, not to have professors that seem so fake, not to go to gray concrete buildings every day. I’m really wondering why I’m here anymore. Clearly, I’m not learning much more Japanese than I would from the textbook. I can’t make Japanese friends because they’re so busy trying to get jobs in this horrible market. I just want to go home where I can speak and understand, go to school, hold a job or internship, and feel useful.